Bill's Locker

Most sportswriters are scratching their head when they should be watching their hind parts as some in the sports world have lost their mind.

Case in pont, the Olympics scandal over the beautiful person being put on stage to lip synch a song sung by an ugly person.

Then there is the Spainards who made a gesture with their eyes that if any American would have done in Bejing it would have been the start of World War III.

But the stpidity is not just overseas, but going on right here in our very United States.

No, we are not going to talk about Barry Bonds and his gouard size head or steroids.

We are going to talk policy in sports.

A little league in New Haven, Conn., has sent little 9-year-old Jericho Scott home because the other kids in the league could not hit his 40 mile per hour pitches and he is way too accurate for his age.

Sounds like he could qualify as the next phenom to take the mound for the New York Yankees as bad as they need pitching.

But to tell a kid to go home because he is too good.

Heck, if the kids is that good see if he can do the same thing to older kids.

If he can strike them out in an older league I know a few teams that could use a good pitcher.

I don’t think they ever told Nolan Ryan, J.R. Richards, Steve Carlton, Roger Clements, or Greg Maddox to name a few they were too good to pitch when they played baseball.

No one is ready to ban Kyle Bush for winning too much or wanted to ban Richard Petty for wining 200 races.

And baseball players like Cy Young had awards named after them.

So what gives?

But this doesn’t take the cake as badly as the LPGA.

They want all their players to be able to speak English by the end of the 2009 season or they could lose their playing priviledges.

Sounds good huh, but we have a problem here.

English is not even the official language of the United States.

We might speak it and it might be our native tongue, but it is not official.

So if we can’t make the illegal immigrants or those coming over hear legally, then why should we make the LPGA players, particularly the 20 or so on the tour from South Korean have to speak the language.

I wonder if the LPGA has ever heard Darrell Waltrip or his brother Michael talk. But is that is not good enough, maybe Ward Burton or Elliott Sadler could give them a lecture on good old southern manners.

I wouldn’t want some one tell me I have’t mastered the language enough and then I end up losing my job.

Maybe it is time for some of those in sports to get a life.

If that is not bad enough for you lets loo

The Olympics are a wonderful feat and sight to behold.

Americans competing in sports beyond belief and trying to show they are some of the best, which is signified by a gold medal draped around the neck of one individual or team at the end of the competition.

Great! And as I write this the USA leads the medal count with 31 total.

Where my problem is watching some competitions that involve weight.

Yes I am like the rest of you who should have paid better attention in high school chemistry or better yet when they tried to teach me the metric system back in fifth grade.

I won’t tell you the year, but my friends from the time frame can remember the push to go metric in the country led to funny speedometers and road signs.

The only thing I can wonder now is what in the heck can I do to see how far they throw a shot put, clear in the high jump or pole vault, and then there is weightlifting.

Despite my confusion I think I am going to do myself a favor and go to the metric system. At least I can lie about my weight and do so with a clear conscious since I will be the only one to know I am using the metric system like the rest of the world instead of those darn pounds I can’t seem to lose.

Well, I must admit I gave it my best, but the best of turn two got to me.

I was challenging for third when I did something I should not have done.

What was that?

I touched the brakes.

Marty White and Scott McKinney were stealing the show as I was left to battle Brent Lane for third place.

Brent and I were taking two different lines and he checked up in front of me coming out of turn one into turn two and what do I do.

Cardinal sin…touched the brakes.

Around I go so what I had worked so hard to gain I had lost thanks to my big left foot and not wanting to mess up someone else race car.

I start at the back after the caution flew and in two laps managed to work my way back up to fourth, which I will take as an accomplishment.

Another lap or two and I might have been able to knock off third place, but I survived and everyone had a great time.

Congrats to Marty White….my friend you are the king.

Second place went to Brent Lane followed by Jamie Secola, myself, Cynthia Sheltema, and then Scott McKinney who spun out himself on the last lap of the race.

The big winners of it all was United Cerebral Palsy, who walked away with a big check from Five Flags Speedway and the drivers.

I also need to thanks Daryl Lynchard for letting me use his race car.

I made a lot of wonderful new friends who I hope to see in the near future and maybe next year Tim Bryant will let me try it again.

Thanks to all of you for putting up with a crazy person just trying to have himself some fun.

I will get some of the photos from the race up just as soon as I can gather then from Miss Jeni.

I know she did a great job at the track.

Tonight is the night of the Media Race at Five Flags Speedway.

If you want to see the schedule all you have to do is click here.

I am a little miffed at Omar, but I was able to get into my drivers suit - barely!

But to his credit, I might have been working a little too hard at the dinner, I mean training table for tonight’s race.

I urge everyone to come out tonight and watch the five media members including myself, and the one professional driver - Marty White.

If no one has caught onto Marty, he has a history at Five Flags Speedway as a driver and according to several a pretty darn good one.

Despite all my efforts, Tim Bryant from Five Flags Speedway called me last night to say the Goodyear Tires from Indianapolis have yet to arrive.

I know David Reutimann has taken over at UPS for Dale Jarrett, but I still have faith they will arrive sometime before the race.

And I am just curious as to where Scott McKinney has disappeared to?

I know he said he had a surprise for us, but you cannot graduate from the Richard Petty Driving School overnight even if you are in class by yourself.

Brent Lane has talked to me about us teaming up to become Shake and Bake, but Dana Cervantes talk to me first so I must defend her honor and thge honor of her nose. But Brent as I pass you tonight all I can say is you will be fried chicken.

I still don’t know very much about the lovely ladies that will be entering the race, but we need to have some class added to this group of four old country ruffians.

Cynthia Scheltema can start work now on planning my party in victory lane, I just hope you don’t forget the corkscrew so I can open that bottle in victory lane.

And Jamie Secola I look forward to meeting any fellow scribe, but on the track it is going to be a dog eat dog situation. My only fear is that five of you will be sponsored by Milk Bones.

But despite all of my yammering I will tell you the only winner tonight will be the race fans in attendance because after we are done you will see some really good racing.

And please I urge you to remember the United Cerebral Palsy organization, who is the charity we are all supporting with the media race event tonight.

Well I hear that Omar from Louisville Tent and Tarpolium has my race suit ready. I just hope it doesn’t look like someones oriental rug, I asked for a simple drivers suit.

But I am getting ready as tomorrow is the big race.

Marty White I have the utmost respect for you as the defending champion and I will race you fair and square, but I am not coming to Five Flags Speedway to drive in a circle for 10 laps and see who is Mr. Congeniality.

As for the rest of my fellow members of the media; I will be kind, I will be sweet, but the gas is on the right and the brake is on the left.

According to the scales at the Chavers Feed and Seed my right foot weighs a heck of a lot more than my left.

While I have been getting ready the calls have been coming in as I continue my training and following the Benny Parson’s Diet Plan, but I have to in secret thanks to Marty and the Santa Rosa County Sheriff’s Office.

Here is my responses to some of the calls, e-mails, and faxes:

Adam McCloskey, host of the Morning Wrap on WTKE, I don’t think it will be any problem in making Scott McKinney look like a worse race car driver than you, but the radio personality part is something you will have to seek professional help on yourself.

Dana Cervantes, part of Cat Country’s Cat Pack Morning Show, I will avenge your honor after Brent Lane tried to break your cute little nose at the Celebrity Softball game we participated in at Pelican Park against the Blue Angels.

I got a call from an anonymous person at the PNJ wondering how serious I am taking the race, since Jamie Secola is one of the three rookies along with myself. Well I have been wanting a shot at this since I first heard about the race two years ago and I am in it to win it baby.

Bravo has even called since they heard Cynthia Scheltema is going to be wearing a pink drivers suit with pearls. Well guys despite how fashionable you might like the idea the last time I heard of something pink on the track Michael Waltrip was pushing pink lemonade for Country Time and I think he tried to take out the wall at Bristol.

And for the lovely and hilarious Ms. Linda Lawrence, I will do my best to give you the best 21st birthday present possible on Friday by beating Marty White.

But I have decided to take this opportunity to ask something of you the race fans who have followed my antics in getting ready for the race.

The big winner besides the race fans who get to watch us non-race car drivers, yes that includes you Marty, is United Cerebral Palsy. I would like to ask you if you can to give a donation to help the efforts of United Cerebral Palsy.

It would really help a great cause and a lot of terrific people who need the help.

For the complete schedule of events at Five Flags Speedway on Friday click here.

Well I better go back to the dinner table…oops, I mean training table…I have a long way to go if I want to get the stagger in my bomber car just right.

Well I am writing to you before I continue my training for the Media Race.

I have been informed the Goodyear tires from Indianapolis should be arriving tomorrow.

But I am having to be very careful to keep my whereabouts a secret.

It appears that Marty White is a little scared about little ole me.

My training regimine seems to be working nicely as I am eating at some of the area restaurants like Texas Roadhouse, McDonalds, Taste Freeze, and a few others.

When I took my physical for this event the doctor told me I needed to make sure I was in shape…well round was a shape back when I was taught the basics of geometry when I was in school.

But enough about the training, I am having to hide because Marty is at it again.

If you looked at the front of Wednesday’s sports section you will see the defending race champion, WXBM’s very own Marty White, trying to tell a Santa Rosa Deputy some fib about me so I can get arrested and not even make the race.

I hate to have to hide, but if that is what it will take so I can make the race on Friday.

I promise I will be there Marty and to help you out I might get an artist to paint a picture of Linda Lawrence’s lovely face on the back of my helmet so you can look at it all 10 laps.

Well the diet is going well….or at least I think so…there is nothing like Taco Bell for lunch and a double whopper with an order of onion rings for dinner…so the Benny Parsons’ diet is right on for my taste.

But I still need to get some advice.

I think I will call Kenny Schrader for some help.

Kenny has some free time and Bill Baird learned a lot from him winning the 1999 ARCA Championship.

I know Bill so I am sure Kenny will be happy to give me a pointer or two.

(Taking break to make phone call)

I’m back now and it has been three hours. Kenny has yet to return my call.

This doesn’t look good.

I have got to face Marty White this Friday and I don’t know what to do.

Should I take a lesson from Roush-Fenway Racing’s pit crew on leaving loose lugnuts.

How many lugnuts do you think Marty will need to win; two or three?

Speaking of tires and lugnuts, I need to call Indianapolis Motor Speedway to see if Goodyear left any of those tires laying about. All I need is about five sets and they will be gone after about seven laps so I will be three laps to the good.

Time to get some more racing advice so I guess I better call another Kenny, Kenny Wallace.

If I can’t beat Marty on the track I am going to be the funniest little guy out there.

Marty, oh Marty, I am coming to get you.

I got my Bell Helmet polished and my Kenny Wallace joke book in my pocket.

Wait and see what will happen as my training continues for the Media Race this Friday at Five Flags Speedway as the gates will open at 5 p.m. for practice and the media race will begin around 8:30 p.m. after the Bomber class has their heat races.

Comfirmed as a driver in the media race at Five Flags Speedway this Friday I had to start my training for the upcoming race.

After working on my diet, I am following the Benny Parsons’ plan, I should be able to counter the stagger necessary to give my car an advantage around the track. But I am praying I don’t succeed too much or I might not fit in the car.

But this past Friday I caught one of my competitors getting an unfair advantage and practice of all places - The Whiting Field Golf Course.

Worse yet Tim Bryant was there giving him pointers…I kind of feel as a rookie driver I rank right above the Goodyear Tire guy at Indianapolis right now.

Marty White, of WXBM, the defending champion is a driver to be feared, but at the golf course I had to ask Capt. Sadsad for a helmet.

But I guess Marty is getting so confident after two wins he thinks he can beat us all in a golf cart.

Looking at some of the other competitors this Friday.

Scott McKinney from 98.1 The Ticket - all you have to do is disconnect the teather he had on Marty’s bumper last season to finish second and he will look like Michael Waltrip

Brent Lane from Cat Country - He is use to driving in California which is an advantage, but I hear he is about as proficient as Jeremy Mayfield when it comes to driving a car.

Jamie Secola a sports writer in Pensacola - This fellow rookie is an unknown. I have heard reports she is a pretty fair driver. I don’t know if she will be the next Danica Patrick, but I have a feeling her and fellow rookie Cynthia Scheltema could rival Danica and Mika Dunno if they tangle.

Cynthia Scheltema hostess of Blab TV’s Yada Yada Show - I don’t know how she will do in the race, but I bet she has all of us beat when it comes to looking fashionable prior to the race. How she will look afterwards with helmet hair who knows. But I hope she doesn’t forget to bring the corkscrew for me when I visit victory lane.

Well I better get back to dinner, I mean training…I think a trip to Taco Bell will make for some good practice this evening.

See you at Five Flags Speedway this Friday when practice starts at 5 p.m.

Let me start this off by saying my friends will believe I played in a softball game.

That I made a fool of myself throwing the ball from third base to second base.

What they won’t believe is I drove in a run and somehow my oversized, wide load back side hustled it down the 90 feet, yes I said 90 feet to beat out a throw in the dirt and almost allow two runs to score.

Why would they not believe it?

In high school with my knees and all the last time they timed me running the 40 the coach used an hour glass and had to turn it over again since he ran out of sand the first time.

But the big kicker is who I got to play on the team with.

Two of the players, Smoke Gainer, who replaced me in right field, and Roy Jones, Jr., were a blast to be on the team with.

Despite what we might right about them preparing for a fight when it comes right down to the fact they are just like the rest of us, but have been blessed a little more.

Roy and Smoke thanks for letting this washed up athlete turned sports dude share a moment with you on my field of dreams at Pelican Park.

The commercials show basketball players giving of themselves to the community.

Bravo!

But what they don’t show are the true children who take their ball, ballclub that is, and leave as soon as the opportunity strikes them.

David Stern, you are the schrewd cookie in all of this.

As NBA Commissioner, you allowed the New Orleans Hornets, yes I said New Orleans, to play part of their season in Oklahoma City to see how the league would be received and give Clay Bennett and his buds the chance to see how valuable a team on the rocks would be.

Enter the Seattle Sonics or Super Sonics as I remember playing as a kids with Gus Williams, Jack Sikma, and I believe Dennis Johnson, but that series with the Washington Bulletts was a long time ago.

Heck the Washington Bulletts was a long time ago with Wes Unsel.

Those kids I hated to play ball against, the ones who would take their ball, bat, or whatever and leave when things didn’t go their way have all grown up.

They have become owners of teams like the New Orleans Hornets, Utah Jazz, Indianapolis Colts, Baltimore Ravens, Tennessee Titans, Washington Nationals, and the soon the be Oklahoma City Drillers or what ever name they come up with.

Some one please hand me the air sick bag.